Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
