so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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