I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he thought i was a dude.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
