white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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