saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
