Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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