I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
