I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
