Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
