I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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