The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
