I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
