I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
