she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
