Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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