We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
