I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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