does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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