You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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