I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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