so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
