When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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