can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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