Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
