Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
