In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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