i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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