The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
