you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
