Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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