i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
That was before I lit my hair on fire
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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