making cat noises will not fix the situation.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
