Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
