I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
