You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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