did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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