I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We were destined to go to rehab together
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
