the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
