nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
