I didn't shave. On purpose
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
