My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
