I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
