Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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