I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
