there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
