I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
