I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
