I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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