apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
