1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
