just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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