Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Randomize
