trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
